What complicated grief did the pandemic throw up?

 

In my work as a podcaster, I have had the great privilege of interviewing many individuals who have been affected by grief. Much of it, complex grief. What happens when a death is not “usual” or “expected”? What happens when things are left unsaid, you cannot be there to hug your loved ones or have those final conversations with a loved one, if you know they are going to pass?

Many of us have moved on from Covid 19 and the pandemic with it being little more than a “moment in time” when things were different, challenging or limiting.

But what if a family member died when the lockdowns were in full swing, on the other side of the world? This is the interview I was so privileged to have with Tommy this week on the Podcast, #Hashtag Death (buzzsprout.com)

He lost a loved one on the other side of the world and was restricted by travel and movement because of the pandemic – not once but TWICE.

You may hear people speak frequently about “complex grief”. This can occur for a number of reasons and the Pandemic and social isolation could be a big part of this.

Simplicity Funerals Australia – Part of the Invocare Group, speak about this on their website, to educate families: Stating that Funerals are about “Good Grief”.

Researchers and psychologists are very clear in their message about funerals and grief: participating in a funeral helps to counter the initial effects of grief like shock, numbness and disbelief. Funerals underpin a necessary part of grieving as they reinforce the reality that the death has actually happened. By allowing our grief to surface and a funeral taking place and being attended usually provides a safe and appropriate place to show and share our feelings with others. This sets the foundations for ‘good grief’ or healthy grieving. As human beings, we need to grieve.

Also, a funeral is seen as the right time and place for people to be together to talk, to support each other, to reminisce and tell stories, to pay their respects, to let you know that they care about you. (Source: Why Funerals Are Important | Simplicity Funerals)

Having this kind of support is vital in the weeks and months after the funeral when the reality of the loss really starts to sink in, and we have to adapt to a life without someone who mattered to us.

So, back to Tommy, he didn’t get to achieve this, TWICE. There are complex issues at play here. Complex grief may be characterised by but not limited to feelings of prolonged guilt, anger or shame. Not to say that Tommy experienced these, but the pandemic and moments missed in sharing funerals would have certainly created much complex grief in many, worldwide.

Hearing him speak about his father’s funeral and the watching or should I say “glitching” of it online is heartbreaking.

The very word grief comes from the Old French word grief—using the same spelling—which referred to an injustice or a misfortune.

And that word grief came from another Old French word grever—meaning to burden, afflict or oppress. So unfair, unjust and burdening. Indeed.

In turn, grever came from the Latin word gravare—which meant to make heavy—and which came from another Latin word gravis—which meant to make weighty.

Add to this the lack of ability to find support, accept reality, the touch and feel of the service, the feeling of togetherness and acknowledgement of loss which came from Zoom Funerals and the pandemic, and it’s no wonder there might just be a big grief hangover of sorts from the pandemic, in so many ways. This is without going into the other mini deaths which occurred for people, like missing out on a holiday, job opportunity, seeing family or partaking in hobbies which they loved.

A subject which we could no doubt do an entire series on, but this one man’s story was enlightening and deeply moving.

Perspective always!! These conversations are best had, not shunned.

Keep talking about death and dying!!